Relationship Problems: Letting Go Of Old Hurts
Our relationships, like many of the aspects of life we most value, often are not fully appreciated until we become aware we are losing them. All couples have relationship problems, and many at one time or another could benefit from relationship advice. If you and the person you once considered your life partner are separated or otherwise on a path toward dissolving your commitment to each other, it might not be too late.
The first step is understanding how the relationship began to fail.
However, discovering what when wrong is only part of making a serious commitment to rebuilding the relationship. There must be hope, a realistic expectation that together you two can re-establish what you have lost, that you can build an even more satisfying relationship. Your decision should not be made lightly. In most cases, you should explore what went wrong before the two of you even make that decision. You both will have better understanding of what changes are necessary. You can undertake the process of solving relationship problems on your own, or you can see a couples therapist to work through your problems with professional guidance.
Key to understanding how it began to fail is identifying the old hurts that interfere with relationship success. Relationship problems are nearly always rooted in the anger caused by old hurt. Often these hurts are obvious, but sometimes they need some discussion to become clear.
Learning to let go of old hurts begins with considering them in two categories: hurt/anger based on incidents from the past that no longer recur; and hurt-anger based on incidents that are still ongoing, or at risk of recurring. When you begin to see the patterns causing relationship problems, the steps to solving them become more obvious.
Hurt/anger resulting from ongoing behaviors can be addressed two ways: 1) agree to stop the behavior, whether all at once or gradually, and stick to that promise; and/or 2) learn to accept the behavior and let go of the hurt/anger.
Relationship communication is critical to understanding both. For example, maybe she is hurt and angry because he seems to ignore her in lieu of spending time at the sports bar with his male friends, and maybe he is hurt and angry at being nagged about going out. They might compromise by her accepting his forays on nights of major sporting events, with him accepting her need for quiet romantic dinners on nights when there are no major sporting events. Just decreasing the source of anger often allows space to understand each other’s needs, and to develop new perspectives for helping each other meet them.
Solving relationship problems stemming from old hurts that no longer recur can take even more effort. If the source of hurt/anger has been removed, but the hurt/anger persists, the reason it persists needs to be identified. Introspection, discussion with a therapist, talking it over with a trusted friend, keeping a journal and rereading it after the hurt/anger passes, and ideally discussing it with your partner are all options.
Always look for what could help you let go. If it is a trust issue, understand why betrayal elicits such a reaction in you, then decide what it will take to re-establish trust. If it is hurtful words or actions, understand why those continue to hurt long afterward, and consider what non-hurtful words and behaviors might effectively replace the old ones. Sometimes this process takes some time and effort, but it always proves worth it.
Relationship success begins with understanding and effort. If you are trying to recapture the wondrous relationship you both used to enjoy, an important step is learning to let go of old hurts.
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Marshall L. Shearer, MD, is a book author, columnist, retired psychiatrist and couples therapist, and university instructor. His relationship books with his wife Marguerite R. Shearer, MD, include Maximizing Happiness Through Intimate Communication and Sex, Frankly. Discover books and articles on relationship success at DocShearer.com.