Relationship Problems: Principle Number One
Over decades of providing successful sex therapy, my wife and I found that nearly every couple has been violating at least one of three basic relationship principles. The order of the principles is not important, but all three are essential. With so many relationship problems traceable to psychological sexual problems, couples should consider these principles in their quest to achieve a successful relationship.
This article will discuss Principle #1: Move predominantly to maximize your own sexual enjoyment, and expect your partner to do the same.
Each of us has the best idea of what might be sexually arousing to us at any time. Just as we are also responsible for deciding what food we would enjoy whenever we feel hungry, we are responsible for deciding what we would find sexually enjoyable, considering the mood we are in. Sure, we become familiar with our partner’s preferences and enjoy helping to meet them, but we can do that without giving up the primary goal of satisfying ourselves.
Remember that sexual enjoyment is contagious, just like laughter in a crowded comedy show or tears at a funeral. We find enjoyment in our partner’s enjoyment, but we cannot always presume to know what will spark that pleasure except in ourselves.
Yes, this might sound selfish at first consideration, but if your own enjoyment increases your partner’s, it is unselfish to bring your own sexual pleasure to the mutual encounter. If one partner assumes primary responsibility for the other’s sexual pleasure, then such responsibility becomes a distraction.
Many relationship problems, especially the kinds of sex problems addressed through sex therapy, are caused by distraction. One factor that often interferes with achieving orgasm is performance anxiety. Consider the word performance, which speaks to feeling responsible for what the partner thinks of the other’s efforts at sexual satisfaction. The other side of that is the recipient of the performance feeling guilty or unhappy if the “performance” fails to achieve satisfaction in the “audience.” Many women, especially, discover that their relationship problems are caused by guilt over not feeling satisfied after a partner’s efforts at helping them. Men who feel responsible for a woman’s orgasm often feel bad about failing to help her achieve one.
Sex should be fun, not a test, a performance, an obligation. Good sex is what a person does WITH a partner, not TO a partner.
During our time as resident therapists at Masters and Johnson’s, we showed through sex therapy with couples that invariably the partner who takes the role of “toucher” ultimately becomes more aroused than a partner in the role of “touchee.” In that case, if that is what they find arousing, why not both partners become touchers?
My wife and I discuss this and the other two principles in much greater detail in our book Maximizing Happiness Through Intimate Communication. More than just a guide for solving sexual and relationship problems, it is a complete system for achieving fulfilling, lifelong relationship success.
Do not feel guilty about paying the most attention to enhancing your own sexual pleasure. That is the best gift you can give your partner.
* * *
Marshall L. Shearer, MD, is a book author, columnist, retired psychiatrist and couples therapist, and university instructor. His relationship books with wife Marguerite R. Shearer, MD, include Maximizing Happiness Through Intimate Communication and Sex, Frankly. Discover books and articles on relationship success at DocShearer.com.