Relationship Problems: Principle Number Three
Decades of providing sex therapy have shown my wife and me that nearly everyone with sexual relationship problems is violating at least one of three basic relationship principles. Successful relationships require all three principles, but not in any particular order. Psychological sexual issues can cause severe relationship problems, so couples trying to achieve a successful relationship should carefully consider the importance of each principle.
This article will discuss Principle #3: Let each moment, each activity, be an end in and for itself.
Let everything you do during romantic encounters be for the enjoyment of the moment. As pleasure unfolds, it can lead to the next moment and the next. The mistake is in planning each moment in order to enjoy the next, which becomes work, not play. This is rather like adolescents going from “first base” to “second base” and so on. Mature relations encompass learning to enjoy the “base” you’re on. If you discover that your actions have expanded to encompass more, then the enjoyment of each moment is what took you there, the spontaneous play, not the goal-oriented work. “Scoring” is not the same as making love. Trying to score often will leave the partner unaroused, possibly even feeling used.
Truly pleasurable activities run their course naturally, and allow us to stop at any time. You can enjoy dancing, then stop when you feel like stopping. Nothing obligates you to keep dancing until the end of the set, or even the song. It is more healthful to eat until you are satisfied, not until you have “cleaned your plate.” Training children to eat until the food is gone often leads to eating disorders. Approaching sex play as following a set of steps that must be accomplished, in order, until the process is complete can lead to relationship problems. In successful relationships, couples learn to enjoy each moment on its own.
Consider interruptions: child disruptions, an important phone call, somebody at the door, etc. You both found what you enjoyed to that point worthwhile, even if you’re disappointed about how quickly it ended. Still, in most relationships, there will be times when one partner is satisfied but the other wants to continue. That’s when in a loving relationship one partner finds continuing pleasure in facilitating stimulation of the other.
Most sex therapy couples we have seen with a sexual relationship problem had some form of “commitment line.” They could enjoy free and spontaneous activity until they crossed that line, after which they felt obliged to “go all the way,” whether one or both felt like it or not. This not only turns everything beyond that line into work, but inhibits partners from initiating spontaneous play for reluctance to approach that line. People tend to resent feeling pressured, whether it is the partner pressuring, or one pressuring him/herself.
Masters and Johnson found that couples with successful relationships tended not to have a line of commitment. They avoided relationship problems by never expecting anything other than the freedom to enjoy each other, come what may.
With couples in sex therapy, relationship problems often stem from future promises, such as one partner avoiding sex by promising a certain day or time in the future. That only brings more pressure, and ultimately resentment. Careers, children, privacy, and other distractions force many couples to set aside time for sex, but in a successful relationship each partner knows it is merely a time to be spontaneous, no expectations, just private time together to enjoy whatever happens, whatever feels right and good.
We discuss this and sex therapy issues of work versus play in detail in Maximizing Happiness Through Intimate Communication. This sex therapy guide is not only for solving relationship problems, but for nurturing and growing successful relationships that last a lifetime.
Don’t turn your time for playing together into work. Don’t burden each other and yourselves with obligations and expectations. Just have fun, enjoy and cherish each moment, whatever happens. You might just surprise yourself with a better time than you expected.
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Marshall L. Shearer, MD, is a book author, columnist, retired psychiatrist and couples therapist, and university instructor. His relationship books with wife Marguerite R. Shearer, MD, include Maximizing Happiness Through Intimate Communication and Sex, Frankly. Discover books and articles on relationship success at DocShearer.com.