Relationship Problems: Principle Number Two

My wife and I provided successful sex therapy over many decades, and we found that virtually all couples with problems have suffered from violating at least one of three basic relationship principles. All three principles are essential, with no particular one standing ahead of the others. With so many relationship problems rooted in psychological sexual issues, couples should consider these principles while trying to restore a successful relationship.

This article will discuss Principle #2: Protect yourself and your partner from anything that is negative for you, and trust your partner to do the same.

If you consider anything your partner is doing to be a negative, change it. Change the activity, your body position, body English, hand signals or words, or even stop sexual activity momentarily—or entirely, if you need to.

When you take responsibility for changing whatever is negative for you, your partner is free to spontaneously maximize his or her sexuality. This is self-interest, but not selfish. Self-interest is good, even necessary. Selfishness is not. Selfishness is carrying self-interest to the point of not caring if your partner is unhappy or hurt.

Trust is critical. As much as you are protecting yourself from negative experiences, you need to develop trust in your partner’s efforts to protect you from negative experiences. If you miss your partner’s message, count on him or her to send it again in a more pronounced way. It is a mutual pact you are both enjoying, and I promise you will find it liberating.

Any partner who endures discomfort unnecessarily will come to expect discomfort in future sexual encounters, which often leads to avoiding sexual contact or experiencing even greater discomfort. Note that when I say negative, I mean something you or your partner dislikes. “I don’t like that” is not necessarily negative; it is neutral, as in “I neither like nor dislike that.” Neutral experiences are not only okay, but not uncommon. During our time at Masters and Johnson’s we found many examples of couples where one or even both had come to dread sexual encounters in anticipation of negative experiences.

Communication lies at the heart of solving these kinds of relationship problems. Communication is nearly always fundamental to achieving relationship success.

In Maximizing Happiness Through Intimate Communication we discuss this in detail. We cover various ways to communicate in non-distracting ways during sexual encounters, and we offer strategies for overcoming negative experiences as well as their resulting ongoing negative feelings. More than just a guide for solving sexual and relationship problems, it is a complete system for achieving the most fulfilling, lifelong relationship success.

Never endure negative sexual experiences. Learn to change them into what you like. It’s a pact you and your partner honor so everybody has fun.

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Marshall L. Shearer, MD, is a book author, columnist, retired psychiatrist and couples therapist, and university instructor. His relationship books with wife Marguerite R. Shearer, MD, include Maximizing Happiness Through  Intimate Communication and Sex, Frankly. Discover books and articles on relationship success at DocShearer.com.